I’ve had an interesting season.
By “interesting”, I mean I’ve had a lot of awakenings about myself to chew on. In January, my mind was pegged on a wish-list of things I wanted to achieve by the end of the season and the universe answered. Hallelujah… When I was younger, I hated facing myself. I lacked perspective, patience, and forethought. I absolutely hated hindsight. I wanted many things all the time, and the universe – in my world – only replies with more questions. Maddening, isn’t it?
In the recent years I have become progressively different.
It’s not my first time assessing myself in my career. This year, I was able to see myself within my personal goals with more clarity and weed out (quite brutally) the parts of my character I could do without in order to make room for the direction I needed to grow in. The weeding part was actually swift and unexpected, but not surprising. I am probably nowhere close to finished, but in life we always have plenty of time.
I’m known to be exceptionally hard on myself, but now I’m just being honest. (I think)
This season, I got a taste of leadership and the responsibility of managing personalities. It was an eye-opener – a bite small enough not to translate to an actual role, but big enough for me to reflect realistically on my future ambitions. How do I want to be an entrepreneur and future employer, and am I up for the challenge of leadership as a role?
I also had to face the fragments of my former self – a reminder of what and where I came from, asking, “where am I going?”. My early years as a young single mum were frenetic and always felt uncertain. As a result, my only goal at the time was direction. These little reminders made me question my potential and my stamina. Could I lead the personalities that come with varying circumstances? Could I handle personalities that are affected by so much change? How? How do I change my perspectives to work with people altogether? In some cases, I might have very few choices when it comes to this.
One of the major revelations I’ve had this year is anxiety. And I have decided not to ‘fix’ it; its not something one treats as an infection. It’s an ongoing conversation that I am going to have to have with myself. To continually reach within and redefine what it is I want, what I’m doing at the present time, and how it will shape me in the various roles I fill and manage through life.
Gardens have made me progressively introspective with purpose. I think all horticulture is therapy; even on a day that you are momentarily disliking your job. As I mockingly draw comparison about people and plants – that plants don’t lie (they don’t), 100% of the time, it is its just and honest state of being that makes self-reflection and decisiveness achievable. And to reflect with purpose makes progress. I am really excited for the coming year.
I haven’t kept up with blogging, but as you can see, there was much to think on and digest over the summer. Here’s to Christmas, New Years, and 2020!