Fall

I’ve had an interesting season.

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By “interesting”, I mean I’ve had a lot of awakenings about myself to chew on.  In January, my mind was pegged on a wish-list of things I wanted to achieve by the end of the season and the universe answered.  Hallelujah… When I was younger, I hated facing myself.  I lacked perspective, patience, and forethought.  I absolutely hated hindsight.  I wanted many things all the time, and the universe – in my world – only replies with more questions. Maddening, isn’t it?

In the recent years I have become progressively different. 

It’s not my first time assessing myself in my career.  This year, I was able to see myself within my personal goals with more clarity and weed out (quite brutally) the parts of my character I could do without in order to make room for the direction I needed to grow in.   The weeding part was actually swift and unexpected, but not surprising.  I am probably nowhere close to finished, but in life we always have plenty of time.

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Quick weed, obnoxious weed or life-sustaining aromatic super-green?

I’m known to be exceptionally hard on myself, but now I’m just being honest. (I think)

This season, I got a taste of leadership and the responsibility of managing personalities.  It was an eye-opener – a bite small enough not to translate to an actual role, but big enough for me to reflect realistically on my future ambitions.  How do I want to be an entrepreneur and  future employer, and am I up for the challenge of leadership as a role?

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long days under the sun are the best days

I also had to face the fragments of my former self – a reminder of what and where I came from, asking, “where am I going?”.  My early years as a young single mum were frenetic and always felt uncertain.  As a result, my only goal at the time was direction.  These  little reminders made me question my potential and my stamina.  Could I lead the personalities that come with varying circumstances?  Could I handle personalities that are affected by so much change?  How?  How do I change my perspectives to work with people altogether?  In some cases, I might have very few choices when it comes to this.

One of the major revelations I’ve had this year is anxiety.  And I have decided not to ‘fix’ it; its not something one treats as an infection.  It’s an ongoing conversation that I am going to have to have with myself.  To continually reach within and redefine what it is I want, what I’m doing at the present time, and how it will shape me in the various roles I  fill and manage through life.

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Tiger lilies blooming in the summer sun

Gardens have made me progressively introspective with purpose.  I think all horticulture is therapy; even on a day that you are momentarily disliking your job.  As I mockingly draw comparison about people and plants – that plants don’t lie (they don’t), 100% of the time, it is its just and honest state of being that makes self-reflection and decisiveness achievable.  And to reflect with purpose makes progress. I am really excited for the coming year.  

I haven’t kept up with blogging, but as you can see, there was much to think on and digest over the summer.  Here’s to Christmas, New Years,  and 2020!

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